Lazy Learners, Helpful Enablers: A Broken Learning Loop

Why your good intentions might be sabotaging someone’s growth — and your own.

We all get stuck and need a kick in the attitude sometimes!

Let’s talk about something I’ve noticed far too often in training environments, coaching groups, and even inside professional communities where we really should know better. It’s something that shows up subtly at first. Harmless, even helpful. But left unchecked, it quietly kills growth, disables learners, and burns out leaders.

You’ll recognise the pattern. Unless, of course, you don't, in which case you probably are the pattern!

A student, a practitioner, or someone in a course hits a bit of friction. They don't quite get something, or they’re faced with a tech issue, or they’re simply feeling overwhelmed by all the moving parts. Instead of pausing, thinking, and using their own brain to figure it out, they default to the easiest option available. They ask someone else to do the thinking for them.

For those who have trained live with us, you will know we do not take questions ad hoc - write them down and put them in the question box, and if they are relevant, we will maybe, perhaps answer them - and there is a reason for this strategy which I will explain later.

Back to the person who's hit some friction.

What do they ask? Well, it’s not usually, “How can I learn this more deeply?” or “Can you point me in the direction of a resource so I can figure it out myself?” No, it’s often something like, “Can someone tell me how to do X?”, or my personal favourite, “I’m confused. Can someone explain this to me?”

At the top of my list of favourites, which tells me someone is destined for the scrap heap of wannabes unless they change their attitude, is 'I've forgotten where my password/link/ticket is, can you send me another?' Seriously, would you like me to sweep up while I run around for you?

I know in a caring and sharing world, this may seem like a harsh, uncaring judgment, but it's not. Let me explain why. Would you invest in someone in a business who is incapable of doing their own basic admin - YES or NO? For me, it's a hard NO. If they can't do the fundamentals, then as soon as anything that's a little bit complicated requires FOCUS or has some degree of friction, or requires them to lean into a process, they will pause, cease, procrastinate or quit - and it will rarely be because of them, it will always be down to some external source.

Now, of course, there’s nothing wrong with asking for help. We all need support at some point. But what I’m talking about isn’t healthy collaboration or genuine inquiry. I’m talking about cognitive outsourcing. I’m talking about people skipping the thinking process entirely and relying on others as a crutch or as toilet paper, if you wish.

And what happens next is where the loop begins.

Well-meaning students, peers, or assistants ( with a very short life span and who don't understand the meaning of a career-limiting move) swoop in to help.

They offer answers, suggestions, templates, and shortcuts. They pile in with solutions, trying to be useful, trying to be kind. And on the surface, it appears to be community in action. It feels collaborative. It gives the impression that learning is taking place.

But it’s not.

What’s really happening is that the learner hasn’t had to do any of the internal work. They haven’t reflected. They haven’t tested. They haven’t built any frameworks of their own. They’ve simply received someone else’s thinking on a plate and consumed it like fast food. It’s convenient, it’s fast, and it requires no effort. And like fast food, it's not nourishing, remains undigested and gets pooped out, flushed away and forgotten - a graphic and memorable metaphor, wouldn't you agree.

This is the learning loop I want to talk about. A loop where lazy learners are continually propped up by helpful enablers, and helpful enablers are continually rewarded for stepping in. They get spoon-fed and are none the wiser for it. No one gets stronger. No one builds depth. No one builds a knowledge base; their learning muscles aren't flexed, not tested, and over time, everyone gets stuck, both the learner and the enabler.

I’ve watched this loop play out hundreds of times. I’ve watched smart people become dependent on others. I’ve seen capable students and employees forget how to struggle productively. I’ve seen bright minds shrink from the very thing that would help them grow — effort.

And here’s the brutal truth. Effort is essential. Struggle, friction, confusion — these are the signs that learning is happening. They are not problems to be solved by others. They are invitations to engage.

Success lies on the other side of effort

But in too many communities, we’ve unintentionally trained people to avoid that engagement. We’ve built environments where asking for help is seen as more efficient than building competence. Where copying someone else’s system is seen as just as good as creating your own. Where speed is prioritised over understanding.

And if we’re honest, we’ve all been complicit. Trainers want to be seen as helpful. Students want to be liked. Everyone wants to contribute. But a contribution without consciousness can do more harm than good.

You can lead a student to knowledge, BUT you can't make them think!

It’s like giving someone directions without ever showing them how to read a map. They’ll get where they need to go once or twice, maybe even a few times if the group keeps showing up for them. But the moment the group isn’t there, they’re lost. They’ve never developed the skill to navigate on their own.

That’s not learning. That’s co-dependency.

And it gets worse.

Before we delve into the topic of enabling deterioration, let's revisit the Question box used during live, in-person training sessions—remember that? Typically, a question posed by someone is either addressed by the trainer if it hasn't been covered yet, answered through the student's self-reflection by using their own reasoning, using their own brain for a change, or it fades into oblivion and drops into the abyss of amnesia because it wasn't particularly relevant in the first place.

Either way, the student is, in the words of the great NLP read: 'Using Your Brain for a Change', actually 'Using Your Brain for a Change' - yes, read that title and put emphasis on different words. You will see the multiple meanings you get with a change of perspective and FOCUS.

What starts as a simple ask becomes a pattern.

The more someone defaults to others for solutions, the less they trust their own thinking. The less they trust their thinking, the more they hesitate when faced with uncertainty. The more they hesitate, the more likely they are to avoid, procrastinate, or disengage altogether.

I’ve seen it time and time again. The initial excitement fades. The momentum drops. Resistance builds. And instead of pushing through, they pull back. They wait. They stop showing up. They become spectators in their own development.

And ironically, the more we help them in this pattern, the worse it gets. Because now they’re getting rewarded for not thinking. They’re getting attention. They’re getting answers. But they’re not getting any stronger, fitter, flexing those dendrites and building self-reinforcing connections that build upon their resourcefulness.

So what’s the alternative? Do we just stop helping each other? Do we tell people to figure it out and walk away?

Not at all. However, we need to shift how we define 'help'. Real help isn’t about giving someone the answer. It’s about helping them build the capacity to find the answer themselves. It’s about asking better questions. It’s about creating space for thinking. It’s about trusting that people can — and should — do hard things.

In our training, we make this distinction clear. Don’t just hand someone a shortcut. Show them how to design their own. Don’t give them your swipe file. Teach them how to build one based on their unique needs and patterns. Don’t just say, “Use this tool.” Ask, “What are you trying to achieve? What’s not working? What have you tried already?”

And if the answer is "Nothing" if they haven't even attempted anything, then that's where their work lies.

Their growth is in the effort, not in the answer. It's in the process of discovery. As they build and expand their internal map, they should focus on flexibility and adaptability, rather than relying on others' maps. Especially those overeager to share their underdeveloped maps—remember the Dunning-Kruger Effect? No? Look it up using Google, ChatGPT, Perplexity, Grok, Deep Mind, Gemini, Claude, or Mistral!

Can you see my point!

Make sure the person you're asking for directions from isn't lost themselves.

Because that’s how mastery is built. You don’t outsource your way to competence. You build it through repetition, reflection, and struggle. And only once you’ve built that internal clarity, only then do you begin to externalise it.

That’s when outsourcing becomes useful. That’s when systems can amplify your thinking instead of replacing it. That’s when swipe files become assets rather than crutches. That’s when your second brain actually works, because it’s grounded in your first one.

But if you outsource too soon, you’re just scaling confusion.

Let me put it this way. If your brain is a mess and you’re trying to build a Notion dashboard to organise it, what do you think you’re actually building? A more elegant mess. A digital shrine to your own overwhelm.

Don't know what Notion is? Look it up using Google, ChatGPT, Perplexity, Grok, Deep Mind, Gemini, Claude, or Mistral!

This is why the order matters. First, think. Then design. Then systemise. Then delegate or outsource. Not the other way round.

And yes, this takes time. It takes energy. It requires focus and discipline. But it also builds confidence, momentum, and resilience. It produces learners who can think critically, adapt effectively under pressure, and take responsibility for their own learning and progress.

This is what we need more of, particularly in the realms of coaching and therapy. It's crucial for entrepreneurs and creatives, as well as in communities that emphasise growth. This is crucial in a world that is undeniably changing rapidly, where as soon as you become familiar with one way of doing things, everything shifts, requiring you to adapt or risk falling behind.

We don’t need more quick fixes. We need better thinking. We need stronger internal frameworks. We need to stop enabling dependency and start encouraging autonomy.

And if you're reading this and feeling a bit called out — good.

That’s the point. I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve been the lazy learner looking for an easy way out. I’ve also been the helpful enabler, handing out solutions too quickly. Neither one leads to real growth. Instead, become the power user of your own brain and learning.

The work now is to stop the cycle. To recognise when we’re in it. To pause before we jump in. And to ask ourselves, what’s really helpful here? What will actually serve this person in the long run?

Because I promise you this. Doing someone’s thinking for them might feel like support in the moment. But over time, it keeps everyone stuck.

And we’re not here to stay stuck. We’re here to grow, to lead, to create, and to help others do the same. But that only happens when we step out of the loop and invite others to do the same.

So the next time someone asks a question they could easily answer themselves, try these options instead.

Zip it, Be a rock with ears, stay silent, don't be a free PA or have someone use your brain when theirs is perfectly adequate for the task, and refrain from offering your advice and knowledge. If you have enough free time to act as someone else's personal assistant for free, perhaps you don't value your own time enough, and it's a form of secondary gain keeping you in the space of being a rescuer (just a thought).

STOP BEING HELPFUL - IT'S NOT USEFUL

Let them learn on their own by checking an FAQ, reading a Course Guide, watching an explainer video, actually reading the instruction notes, or referring to a manual (RTFM). If you're unfamiliar with "RTFM," look it up using Google, ChatGPT, Perplexity, Grok, DeepMind, Gemini, Claude, or Mistral.

Don’t give them a fish. Don’t even teach them to fish. If you desperately feel the need to be their free coaching support, then ask them what bait they’ve tried, and what happened when they cast their line, did they even set up the rod and line? If you are met with a HUH! It means they haven't read this blog post, in which case, send them the link and reply with never mind, forget it, and let their question drop into the amnesia space and get on with doing something more valuable with your precious time

That’s where EMPOWERED learning lives in PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.

And that’s how we build communities of thinkers, not victims, complainers, whiners, or blamers, just empowered creatives able to adapt and deal with a modern, exponentially changing world full of opportunity.

End the loop.

If you are a member of the Secret Agent of Change membership group, this blog provides a brief summary of a key point from the "Growing Your Practice - Processes - Outsourcing" lesson for August 2025, published 3rd Thursday of the month in the members' area.

If you're unfamiliar with the Secret Agent of Change membership group, look it up using Google, ChatGPT, Perplexity, Grok, Deep Mind, Gemini, Claude, or Mistral! Or perhaps better still, read about it on the website https://www.nlpmasterclass.co.uk/saoc-membership-group, and if you have any questions, check the FAQ 🤦‍♂️😏